Mr. Unavailable #111: Jeckyl and Hyde

See Could it Be?, It's Not Him, It's Me, The Recovery, We're Just Not That Into Each Other, The Continuation, The Curse is Broken, Unfortunately, The Make-Up Date, The Phone Call, The Negotiation, Dates 9 Through 12, Dates 13 Through 15, The Public Sex Talk, Bridging the Chasm, The Shut Down, All Kinds of Good, Meeting the Friends, Part 2, Hamptons Getaway, Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, Day 4, Happy Birthday to Me and The Drunken Text for the background on this one.

The Last Weekend: He sent me an email Saturday morning to say he'd come downtown and drop his stuff off and then we'd head to the Lee Friedlander exhibit at the Whitney. He came downtown and he was off somehow. Nervous? Distant? Not sure. I forget what we were talking about, but he told me that he'd watched the rest of the season of Dexter and it was great. "You didn't save it for me?" he said. "Nope," he said. And he actually seemed kind of proud of it. On the subway, he launched into a sort of rant about how women in their 30s suddenly demand things from men--they want babies so they go a little nuts with the men they're dating, he said. He wasn't pointing the finger at me, just my kind. I tried to be judicious and agreed that some women want to be saved.

We got to the Whitney and, in the elevator, he did mock karate chops at me. "I remember when you used to be nice to me...he beats me because he loves me," I said. I walked ahead of him in the exhibit and eventually he came up to me and hugged me and was the same #108 I knew and loved (only after I went doubly distant). I had several upcoming events that I wanted to invite him to, but I didn't want to overwhelm him, so I tried to space them apart. Back on the subway, we stood close and I asked him if he'd like to go to a party that was in November. He said that sounded like fun. We went and saw The Last Exorcism at a theater in Times Square. I asked him if he liked to go on a haunted Halloween hay ride the next weekend. He said "Sure, that sounds like fun." There was a third thing I asked if he wanted to do--which, again, he said yes to--but now I don't remember what it was.

Walking across 42nd Street after the movie, which we thoroughly critiqued--a favorite pastime of ours--we wandered into the Pop Tart store and marveled at all of the Pop Tarts and Pop Tart paraphernalia. He was clearly excited about the prospect of a Pop Tart T-shirt to add to his T-Shirt collection and mentioned his upcoming birthday--he wasn't shy about hinting about his birthday. We had a mutual affection for sugar, as I think I've mentioned, and were clearly in our element.

We went to Boca Chica after for dinner. One thing I've always noticed about us is our inability to maintain eye contact--except in bed. And even that's in the dark. Allison and Shelagh had taken an intimacy workshop, part of which was learning sustained eye contact. I said to him, "I think we should do something like that sometime." He said, "You would last two seconds." I said maybe, but we'll see. He noticed I was tired and asked if I was too tired for...and then he made a fist-knocking motion. "No, I'm not too tired, and if we didn't I'd be mad," I said. Between his "not feeling well" and his trip to Seattle, it had been three weeks since we'd had sex. Honestly, even when we attempted fooling around in the previous few weeks, he was having maintenance issues.

The next morning he said to me, "Why don't you doze while I go take a shower." I thought that was lovely. I lazed in bed until he came out and when he did, he said, "Why haven't you made coffee or something?" I kid you not. Aggravated and unable to express myself (I have an extremely strong guilt reflex), I got up and made coffee.

We headed to tennis and it turned into a bit of a fiasco where we had to go all the way to the East River to sign up, had to go all the way to Union Square to buy tennis balls and then went all the way back to the East River. He was somewhat morose for the whole affair. I tried to keep the mood afloat, saying things like, "It's not about the destination, it's about the journey," and "If we survive this, maybe we could get frozen yogurt after." By the time we got to the courts, I had lost my sense of humor and he could tell. He put his arm around me and then gave me the shady side of the court. Again, when I go distant, he comes back.

We hit the ball over the net--or tried--for an hour. I gave him a kiss at the end (even with that he seemed far away) and he told me I was very graceful. When we got back to my place, he asked/demanded (definition: a request that feels more like a demand) that I heat up our leftovers from the night before and said, "Why don't I take you for frozen yogurt." We went to 16 Handles and then sat in the park. It was getting cooler out, more like fall, and we both liked the weather. We sat for a while, I had my head on his shoulder, and then, eventually, he said he had to go.

Signs of Hope: Spending the entire weekend together. Saying yes to all kinds of future plans. The Pop Tart store.
Red Flags: The whole Jeckyl and Hyde thing : saving Dexter to watch with me a few weeks ago and then not saving it to watch it on his own, making coffee...lots of unsettling things.

Diagnosis: I've been here before. With someone who wants to spend all weekend with me but starts having maintenance issues and is a poor communicator about whatever he is feeling--sometimes he doesn't even know what he is feeling. It usually means some kind of emotional shut down is happening. He may be shutting down on me. When I said, "He beats me because he loves me," I wonder if I was onto something.