See Could it Be?, It's Not Him, It's Me, The Recovery, We're Just Not That Into Each Other, The Continuation, The Curse is Broken, Unfortunately, The Make-Up Date, The Phone Call, The Negotiation, Dates 9 Through 12, Dates 13 Through 15, The Public Sex Talk and Bridging the Chasm for the background on this one.
Date #18 (Thursday, August 19): After the stress of the last date and feeling self-conscious about my flinching, I was exceedingly nervous to see him. Excited-nervous, but nervous nonetheless. We planned to meet up at the Bleecker Street theater for "Puppetry of the Penis." It was the best selection in my theater club--it was summer, after all. When he walked in I got up and tried to kiss him without flinching. "Did I flinch?" I asked. I think he said not really. I noticed he seemed a bit nervous, too. I was thinking more and more it wasn't only me.
We watched the, um, show. For me, it may have been a little too soon in our relationship to watch two naked men twist their penises into various shapes (hamburgers, different types of flora and fauna...). He seemed to handle it very well--probably better than I did.
Afterward, we went to Yaffa Cafe for dinner. Over the weekend, he had asked me about my Swiss Army Watch and why I got it. I told him I liked the brand--always had ever since I traveled around Europe with a Swiss Army knife, keeping it handy during shady overnight train rides through areas near war-torn countries. I had thought about it some more, though , and told him over my Yaffa salad that i had also gotten it as a present to myself for surviving the last year (quitting my job, starting a company, going to Australia, getting a new job). And he says, "I didn't ask you that. I only asked you why you liked the brand." At that, he completely shut me down. After that, we went for frozen yogurt and then, instead of staying over, he went home.
Signs of Hope: During the theatrical show, he told me that he told some friends of his about me, especially about how I make him laugh. "Because not many woman make me laugh," he said. He told me I would meet them at some point and that I would love them.
Red Flags: How he shut me down at Yaffa. Clearly, he didn't want me to open up to him like that. Maybe somehow he was threatened by it? Couldn't handle it? I have no idea. That, and the fact that he didn't stay over, and there was no reason not to.
Diagnosis: For him: He can't handle it when I open up to him without invitation.
For me: When he shut me down, I didn't react. I internalized it, thought maybe I had done something wrong. And when he didn't stay over, a small part of me conjured a feeling of relief because of the earlier stage display but I was probably only talking myself into being relieved because I had no other choice.
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