Mr. Unavailable: The Situation in Oz

I went halfway around the world to discover: the boys aren't any more available in Oz. In my travels, I got to know a girl gang of mid- to late-twentysomethings in Sydney composed of women who'd recently been involuntarily relieved of long-term relationships and thrust back into the harsh reality of the dating world:

There was Carol, who woke up one day to her husband of seven years telling her he didn't love her anymore. There was Heather, whose husband just a few short weeks before told her he was no longer attracted to her and admitted to an affair. There was Milly, who'd recently been ejected from a 12-year relationship and was trying to casually date, only to be told by the guy she was merely trying to make her #2--if you know what I mean--that he was "in a weird place right now." There was Jo-Jo, who was having a casual fling with a co-worker--until he got weird about it. The stories went on.

The Conclusion: We're experiencing a global epidemic of commitment-phobia even in situations where no commitment is required. Either that or there's something in the water--no matter which way it goes down the drain.

Signs of Hope: On my last day in Oz, I met a happy-go-lucky Spaniard in Airlie Beach who told me I was a beautiful woman and wants to take me for coffee the next time I'm in Malaga.

Update: As for the loose ends I had going before I left for Down Under: #33 has played out, probably fully; #28.5 has fallen by the wayside as well, but, like a McDonald's Shamrock Shake, he tends to reappear about once a year; and Mr. Available #105? I texted him this evening to let him know I had returned. So far no word. Oh, and I saw My New Crush this evening but the word on the street is he's got some kind of dodgy bicoastal situation based on green card needs.

So it looks like a clean slate for me. I'd better get cracking. Just don't be surprised if the next post comes via Spain.

Mr. Unavailable: The Glossary

Conditional coffee (or tea or dinner): When the bill comes and your date says, "I'll get this if you get the next one."

Drunken booty text: Replacing the drunken booty call as the main form of late-night, last-minute, post-bar beckoning for meaningless sex. An even lazier form of booty call.

Feeler text (or email or call): When the the guy you're attempting to date has perhaps behaved badly by waiting too long to call, etc., and he knows this, so he sends a casual message to test the waters and gauge your reaction to see if you are still available.

Gay-gay: A straight guy who looks gay or does things that are gay, and not in a good gay way.

The Great Four-Day Downpour of 2010: The four-day rain storm in late winter of 2010 in NYC during which unavailable men, like earthworms, were flooded from their hiding places and suddenly appeared, looking to cause trouble.

Insult reflex: Similar to a gag reflex. When a Mr. Unavailable says something that’s inherently insulting in the name of "just being honest" and the only natural reaction is to feel insulted.

Potential dating situation: Even more unofficial than “dating." A dating situation could develop, but at the point you're at now, you’re not sure when you’re going out next or if he’s even that interested (but you are interested and he probably knows that).

Ex-dating situation (or, former dating situation): It was never serious enough for the end of the relationship to be considered a "break-up," so, instead, it's an "ex-situation."

Seinfeldian: The act of being hypercritical about the most inconsequential details of your date. Usage: "I had a Seinfeldian moment where I decided that I couldn't date him because he walked like his feet were metal detectors."

Trow dropper: (From “to drop trow”) When a guy is looking to get busy very early in your dating situation and he drops his pants to indicate how he'd like to proceed.