Mr. Unavailable #133: Little Island, Little Lighthouse, Little...

See The Telltale Garb, The Sit-Com Setup and The Lukewarm Fuzzies for the background on this one.

#133 must have been feeling some degree of the fuzzies, too, because a few days after our 24-hour date, he emailed to ask if I wanted to take the tram to Roosevelt Island to “see what that place is all about.”

That probably doesn’t sound like a very good date. I, however, am someone who took the Staten Island Ferry once for fun and then got off to actually see Staten Island. All it had to offer was a bus ride and lunch at Burritoville, but at least I know.

#133 had the same mindset. On our motorcycle trip the weekend before, at the first tollbooth after we passed Roosevelt Island, we lifted our visors to talk and discovered that neither of us had been there and we both found it mysterious.

On Sunday he came to pick me up. He was early. I answered the door, makeup-less. “You’re seeing behind the curtain,” I said. “You got here before the magic happened.”

“Nah,” he said, “You don't need magic.”

That made me like him. He looked cute. Taller, somehow. And his hair was disheveled from his motorcycle helmet. I could tell he’d put product in it. He’d made an effort. He sat on my sofa as I went between rooms getting ready.

“Every time you walk back into the room, you get prettier and prettier,” he said. That made me like him, too.

When I was ready to go, I couldn’t find my Metrocard. “I don’t understand why women always lose things. Why don’t you just put it in the same place all the time? I just keep mine in my wallet. Why don’t you just keep it in your wallet,” he said.

That made me not like him. “Obviously, that’s just not how women are,” I said. “Especially if, like you said, we all do it.”

“It’s not that hard to just keep everything in the same place.”

“We have a lot of different places to put things and what we carry with us changes all the time—different purses, different coats with different pockets.”

“But you always have your wallet.”

“Not necessarily,” I said. “We’re going to have to agree to disagree.”

I found my Metrocard and we went to the pizza place around the corner so he could get a slice before going uptown, but I was still annoyed.

“I like this place,” he said, taking a bite of his pizza.

“Why? Because it’s cheap?” I asked, and, in so doing, failed to agree to disagree. I smiled at him to veil my bitchiness, putting the finishing touch on the passive-agressive nature of my question. He recoiled.

On the bus uptown, I knew I had to make it up to him. Talking about his Facebook photos—he’d friended me a week or so before—he asked if I’d seen the one he was in with his dad.

“He looks pretty heavy, right?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “I was only looking at you.”

He un-recoiled and, once on the tram, we got cozy as I held onto him for stability. The sun was shining. He held me. He was warm. When we got off the tram, we headed in the direction of the Roosevelt Island lighthouse. Strolling along as if we were some kind of happy couple in the early phases of dating, I figured it was a good time to break the news about my age.

“Oh, I have a confession to make,” I said as if I’d just thought of some trifle I’d not yet mentioned. “I’m not actually the age I said I was on my profile.”

“What age were you on your profile? I don’t remember.”

“I don’t remember either, maybe 35,” I said. A lie. “But I’m 39.”

“Oh, well, I’m almost 39,” he said, “and I always assume whatever age women put in their profiles isn’t their real age. My ex said she was 35 in her profile.”

Ah, his oft-mentioned ex. “How old was she really?” I asked.

“44,” he said. I was relieved, and annoyed because she came up again, but mostly relieved.

We got to the lighthouse and sat on the wall by the water, looking at its stubby phallic-ness. “It’s not as impressive as I thought it would be,” he said.

“Yeah, it’s kind of a letdown,” I agreed.

Sitting on the wall, with the water behind us and the Manhattan skyline at sunset laid out to our right, it was a prime opportunity to be close—like on the tram—but there was only distance. He nudged my foot with his. They touched, but there was no connection. Was it because I told him my real age? Was it his ex? Did the lighthouse remind him of one of his own shortcomings (one which I had yet to see or feel)?

“Why don’t we get some food,” he said. Other than the lighthouse, there wasn’t much of a scene on Roosevelt Island. It was quiet and concrete, almost communist. “Where are all the people?” I whispered to #133. It was part of Manhattan and desolate. It was only a matter of time before developers got their hands on it.

We ordered some food at a pub. He wanted to order a bunch of chicken wings, which he said he loved, but then he began to cheap-out. “They’re $1.25 each,” he said. “Maybe we’ll just get five.”

Then the waitress told us they were 25 cents each that day. “OK, how about seven,” he asked.

“Let’s make it 10,” I said.

Over two burgers and 10 wings, #133 opened up a little.

"I actually have two nicknames," he said, putting away a couple of wings.

The one I knew him by was his adult nickname but his childhood nickname was something else. Without naming names, let's just say, for example, that if his adult nickname was Bill, his childhood nickname was Billy. He said his family and close friends called him that, so I could call him that, too. I thought it was sweet.

"My ex never used to call me that, she always insisted on calling me [Bill]," he said. There she was again.

"OK, [Bill...Billy]," I said, messing it up. A thought struck. "Actually, that's what I'm going to call you. My nickname for you is now [Bill-Billy]." 

He smiled. "Yeah, I like that," he said.

The rest of the date was uneventful. We took the tram back to the big island and then the bus downtown, on which he read over the shoulder of some kid who was reading a self-help book and made fun of him; we watched a movie and then he stayed over. It was nice, cozy, all that, but, he didn’t try anything and, still just glad for a warm body, I didn’t mind that he didn't.

Signs of Hope: He planned this date soon after the last and followed-through—and there was some closeness.

Red Flags: He was cheap and sometimes distant. I was curious about a further shortcoming he might reveal, but, for now, it remained all, er, boxered up.

Turning Point: None. Or too many. Things were entirely up and down although not dramatically so--definitely not enough to register on a Richter scale.

Diagnosis: For him: He’s being quite the gentleman. I think.
For me: In a relationship, I’m supposed to embrace shortcomings…right?

Mr. Unavailable #133: The Lukewarm Fuzzies

See The Telltale Garb and The Sit-Com Setup for the background on this one.

#133 texted me the day after our dessert and overdose-trivia date.

#133: Thx 4 the good times & trivia. B4 it gets too cold lets go 4 a ride.

Six days later, he texted with an apology for not getting back to me but still offered up no plans.

On the seventh day, I took matters into my own hands and texted him.

Me: Not to be pushy or anything, Mr. [#133], but please feel free to ask me on another date anytime. My dance card is starting to fill up. Maybe since we aren’t going riding, I can dress up again. Xo. I have this red dress I’ve been meaning to wear…

He texted back a few minutes later.

#133: Would you say it’s a Friday Night Dress?

Me: Actually, I would!

#133: Great, then I can see it tomoro! Care to see some music?

The next night, I met up with him at La Lanterna in the Village. When I walked up to him, I stumbled and he caught me. “I’ve got you,” he said. It wasn’t so much that I liked that HE caught me but that I was being caught, if that makes any sense.

I saw him admiring my red dress and then I tried to admire him back. He was dressed nicely—in a blazer, jeans and a button-down. But through the button-down, I could see a furry bib-shaped animal living just below his neckline.

“He really needs an undershirt,” I thought, hoping the thought wasn’t registering on my face.

The maître d. walked up. Maybe he was thinking the same thing. “Oh, for such a lovely woman, only the best table.” He led us to the table in the back garden by the fountain, we ordered, we talked, I made a conscious “I’m interested” adjustment of my unconscious “I’m not all that interested” body language.

Despite my initial reservations, I started having a nice time. Other than being hirsute, the only other thing that bothered me about him was that he used the word “cheap” a lot, as in, “I really like [blank]. It’s cheap!” Every time he said it, I felt like I was being jabbed by a butter knife. It wasn’t exactly painful but it was annoying.

We wound up pretty caught up in conversation, so we missed the jazz band’s first set in the basement bar.

“Should we go for the second set?” he said. It’s too bad we missed the first set.”

He seemed legitimately bummed. He picked up the check—making no mention of me buying the drinks this time—and we went to the basement. “Are you here for the band?” the waitress asked. “Maybe,” he said. “We might only stay for a drink.”

They gave us the romantic booth in the corner by the fire and, as we ordered drinks, he said, “Do you want to stay? If we get drinks, I’m going to have to pay the cover anyway. Well, we might as well stay if I’m going to have to pay the cover anyway.”

The question left me with mixed feelings. On one hand, he clearly understood he was supposed to be paying the cover. That was good. On the other hand, he wanted to avoid paying the cover if at all possible. That was not so good. My like for him remained just out of reach.

In our romantic nook, he awkwardly put his arm around me.

I mechanically leaned into him.

“What are you doing tomorrow?” he asked.

I thought for a moment.

“I really don’t care what you’re doing tomorrow, I just want to know if you’re free,” he said. That made me like him.

“Want to go for a ride?” he asked.

“That sounds like fun,” I said.

After he walked me to my place—and paid for the whole evening—he deserved a trip upstairs. We rolled around on my sofa for a while and—again—all I really wanted was to hug him. I think the nicest thing I said to him all night was, “You’re so warm.”

It got too late to send him home and he agreed to be a perfect gentleman—“I like taking things slow,” he said—so he stayed over. In the morning, things were cozy and chaste. He started talking about how he wanted to have kids one day.

“As intelligent people, it’s our duty to have kids,” he said, wrapping his arms around me.

“Either you can be rich or you can have kids,” he said.

“Why can’t you have both?” I asked.

“There’s no time to argue,” he said. “Let’s make babies.”

He squeezed me and I giggled. It made me like him.

We took the train way out to his place in Ridgewood. It was far. I was amazed at how unconcerned I was with whether or not he liked me. With #111, it was constantly on my mind: Does he like me now? How about now? Why is he not acting like he likes me at this moment? Is something wrong? I wonder what’s wrong.

At #133’s place, I made myself at home. Lying on his bed as he got changed, I checked my email on my phone, texted a couple of people, snacked on some doughnuts I’d bought us.

On his motorcycle, we headed to nowhere in particular and ended up mostly on unattractive highways. When I tried to talk to him through my helmet, forgetting he couldn’t hear me, he said, “I can’t hear you.” Was he getting snippy with me? I’d been eating exhaust fumes most of the way and was all too aware of how easy it would be for us to tip over and die, so I was feeling a little snippy toward him, too. Eventually, we ended up in Connecticut at a pub ordering a sandwich. He was telling a story and using lots of hand motions. And then he stopped.

“You’re the only person I know who…you watch my hands when I talk,” he said. His tone walked the line between being critical and making an observation.

I seized the opportunity. “You know what I noticed that you do?” I said, circling my finger at him. “You use the word ‘cheap’ a lot.” I was walking the line, too.

His head lowered. “I just like deals,” he said.

“I know you do,” I said smiling, being nice, and wondering if we were having our first fight. “Are we having our first fight?” I asked.

“Nah,” he said.

For the most part, we seemed to get along. On the ride up, we already determined that we shared a sense of humor and had even come up with a word for it: sarcatious, a cross between sarcastic and facetious.

He drove me home—all the way back into Manhattan—which I was grateful for, so grateful I gave him a big, public good-bye kiss, which he seemed to like, and I walked away feeling warm—and fuzzy.

Signs of Hope: I’m giving myself permission to like him AND not like him and keep dating him.

Red Flags: WERE we getting snippy with each other?

Turning Point: When he drove me all the way back into Manhattan. That just made me like him.

Diagnosis: For him: Available for a 24-hour date, the first part of which was, unfortunately, at my request.
For me: He has a body. And it’s warm.

Mr. Unavailable #133: The Sit-Com Setup

See The Telltale Garb for the background on this one.

It was a week after my date with #133 and I was confused. I thought it had gone well. He seemed interested. I seemed interested. But I hadn’t heard from him. I went over to Williamsburg to help Zoe prep for a possible makeup job, but we mostly ended up watching movies and ordering delivery. After 24 hours in her apartment, we needed to get out. At a bar on Bedford, we began discussing boys.

“You don’t make it obvious enough that you’re interested,” she said. “When I’m on a first date, I take their hand and stroke it and look deeply into their eyes.”

“If I was a guy on a first date with you, I’d be pretty sure I was about to get laid,” I said.

Usually, when we begin discussing boys, we begin texting boys.

“Why don’t you text him and say, ‘Hey, stranger. So when’s our next date and snog?’”

I was up for an experiment. Channeling Zoe, I texted him exactly what she had said. Five hours later came the reply: “Hey Tara! U left the okc fold I noticed. im glad u wrote me. Next week let’s meet. Weds?”

It was Thursday. Next Wednesday would mark the two-week point from our first date.

“Ask him why so far away,” Zoe said as if he’d just put her off, not me.

I really didn’t care enough to ask, so the next day I wrote back, “Superfantastic.” But immediately after I sent it, I felt stupid. Was I chasing him? Was he playing hard to get?

Two hours later, I harnessed a little of the crazy in me and rescinded my acceptance. “Actually, I can’t make it after all. Sorry about that. Best of luck to you!”

“Just like that! Ok be well Tara.”

Normally, I’d just leave it at that. But I wanted to do things differently. I may not stroke his hand on our next date, but I could communicate better and explain why I was being fickle. I texted him.

Me: I kind of sensed you weren’t so interested cuz I didn’t hear from you. I was impulsive and texted you yesterday. And then I felt silly for texting you. Usually don’t go into long explanations but I think there’s been some confusion.

#133: I meant to call u but was busy & in jerz a lot. My only concern was thinking up a non drinking date, the lush that I am

Me: Wow, it’s like a situation comedy setup. OK, you can ask me out again. And I like getting my dates liquored up so I’m always up for drinking dates.

I didn’t hear back from him, so I assumed we were still on for Wednesday. And then Wednesday rolled around. There was no word from him. Once more, in the name of doing things differently, I communicated, texting him.

Me: Did I mess up again? Or maybe I had something on my face? Mustard?

#133: Lets go out & ill check 4 mustard.

Me: Phew! That was close. You might also want to check for falafel.

#133: ill run the full battery of tests (falafel, mustard, ranch dressing…). so where does a teetotler go on a date? a motorcycle ride? to a falafel stand?

Me: Cake and music somewhere?

#133: Better than tea & sympathy. 2nite work, 2moro friends bday. Saturday work 4 u? maybe we can take that ride

He was working tonight? But we had a date.

Me: You’re working tonight?

#133: I cud get away 2nite. theres always procrastination. wen r u free? soon enuf 4 a ride maybe? or just let us eat cake?

Me: We need a dimly lit bakery. 8ish? Procrastination is a very useful tool.

#133: Clinton st bakery 8pm.

At about 7:30, he got to the Lower East Side.

#133: Better b dimly lit. Helmet hair.

Me: Don’t worry. Everyone will be looking at me anyway.

#133: Look @ that girl w the helmet head guy!

When I walked up to him outside the restaurant, he was holding his motorcycle helmet. He looked so harmless, dorky and helmet-heady. He was so not cool. I was relieved all over again.

“It’s Tara the mysterious disappearing girl,” he said, giving me a kiss on the lips (still good!).

“Me? You disappeared,” I said.

“I was glad to hear from you. I wasn’t sure if I would.”

“Were you afraid?”

“Huh? Well, I don’t know.”

We sat down inside and ordered.

He got serious. “You know, I would have gotten in touch with you again even though I didn’t hear from you.”

“When?” I asked. Last week?

“No, sometime this week.”

“Did you get my text about the sit-com setup?”

“What text?”

“After you said you were trying to come up with a non-drinking date.”

“You didn’t text me after that, did you?”

“Yes, I did.” I said. I picked up my phone. “It was a funny one, too. I’ll read it to you.”

I read it to him. We shared an a-ha moment as we realized the true depth of the sit-com setup. He thought I'd disappeared...I thought he'd disappeared.

Dinner wound down decently except for the fact that he was a little rude to the waitstaff (“No, I’m not done yet.”) made dinner conditional (“I’ll get this if you buy me a drink at the next place) and used the word "cheap" quite  a bit ("I like it because it's cheap."). Every time he said "cheap," it felt like he was stabbing me with his fork because I flinched every time. He also mentioned his "crazy" ex-girlfriend more than once.

We headed to Parkside Lounge on Houston and he partially redeemed himself by telling me entertaining backstories about different sayings (“Three sheets to the wind.”…”The hair of the dog that bit me.”), drawing pictures to illustrate them. It was cute, but I still felt intermittently annoyed. Things like this: I’d already gotten the first round of drinks, but when the second round arrived, #133 pretended not to notice they'd arrived, so I paid. I thought there would be some salvation when it turned out to be bar trivia night (I love trivia. Trivial Pursuit. Trivia night. Bring it.), but then he turned out to be excessively competitive. If I suggested an answer and he had one, too, he’d put down his.

During the height of my annoyance, I realized that my body language was terrible. I was facing the bar, not him. To seem a little more interested, I turned toward him. I was wearing my glasses when I turned and he looked at me and said, “Your eyes look really pretty through your glasses.” As far as compliments go, it was weak, but it counted.

Possibly the best part of the date was when we made it to the trivia finals. He was generous enough to let me represent our team and I joined the other reps at the front. It was a speed round where the head trivia guy said names of dead celebrities and the first one to call out the correct cause of death won. And if it was an overdose, you had to name the substance. Except for Gilda Radner, it was all overdoses, so for a solid five minutes, I got to jump up and down yelling, “Heroine! Cocaine! A speedball!”

#133 walked me home (bonus points) and, in front of my apartment, even though we kissed, I had the overwhelming desire to just hug him. It was the warm body syndrome. I simply wanted a warm body to hold; it didn’t really matter whose.

Signs of Hope: At least he paid for dinner. And he did compliment me.

Red Flags: He just annoyed me so much.

Turning Point: The hug at the end. Ah, a warm body.

Diagnosis: For him: His maturity level might be below my hopes and dreams, but, except for the two-week lag between dates, he seems like he might be available.
For me: I’m available for a couple of hugging sessions for sure.