Mr. Unavailable #111: The Public Sex Talk

See Could it Be?, It's Not Him, It's Me, The Recovery, We're Just Not That Into Each Other, The Continuation, The Curse is Broken, Unfortunately, The Make-Up Date, The Phone Call, The Negotiation, Dates 9 Through 12 and Dates 13 Through 15 for the background on this one.

Date #16: #111 and I arranged to meet up in front of the Nuyorican in the East Village for The Moth Slam. He got there early and texted me saying the line was around the block. I found him and we decided not to even try to get in. I had started taking anxiety medicine the day before--for my various, but mild, OCD habits--and I was feeling spacey. We happily wandered around the neighborhood trying to pick a place to eat--we were good at wandering--and wound up at our stand-by, Cafe Mogador. We got the nook table in the back. My spaciness made me talkative and I was telling him all about my parents and all I've learned in therapy over the years. Then I said, "Wow, I'm really talky, so I guess if you want to know anything, now's the time."

"Actually, I have sort of a tangential question for you. Are you comfortable with me--sexually?"

It was totally out of left field. Especially considering that in the past with men, I've felt self-conscious, but with him I didn't. I assured him I'd never felt more comfortable with anyone and that I was incredibly at ease, if that's even a good word to use, with him. He brought up my tendency to flinch when he went to kiss me when we first met up for dates and I assured him: "It's not you, it's me." I told him that I hadn't met anyone I really liked like I liked him in a really long time, so it didn't surprise me at all that I flinched.

He went on to say that he wanted to, um, please me in bed and that I was "somewhat unresponsive." Being self-conscious, my insecurities exploded. I thought he was criticizing me. I couldn't quite figure out what he meant, but I was never going to be a screamer if that's what he was getting at. Then he specified. "What do you like? Circles?"

I glanced at the two people who were sitting ever so close to us at the next table over. "They're not listening," he said. They were strangely quiet and our conversation was, no doubt, much more interesting than theirs. I told #111 that we'd figure it out. Then he said that my own oral skills were great and that usually it took him "forever" to come, but with me, it didn't. That was nice, and I should have given myself a pat on the back, but I was still stuck on the "unresponsive" comment. He assured me he was giving me a compliment and was actually criticizing himself.

He said that his screenwriter friend said that women found him intimidating--and that, he said, was why a lot of his relationships ended. I couldn't quite figure out what that meant either then I said, "Oh, your four and a half year relationship again?" (Yes, again. This was actually the second time on this date that she came up.) He said not just that relationship but others. I still couldn't grasp what he was talking about--maybe he was referring to his stoic intensity--he has a knack for looking incredibly serious and unapproachable, which I actually find endearing because I know it's just a facade but maybe the other girlfriends couldn't handle it? Is that what he was saying? I told him something along those lines, saying that I "got" him and that the intensity was the thing that other people might only see, but for those who can see through it (like me), they win the prize (him). "I've never been called a prize before," he said.

We went back to my place. Exhausted from talking, I said, "OK, show me what you've got." Later, as we tried to sleep, I still couldn't quite grasp what he was getting at--this "intimidation" that breaks up his relationships? Is he already laying the groundwork for the end? WTF? A chasm opened up between us in bed. I was also stuck on the "unresponsive" comment (old business from Mr. Unavailable #88.) I couldn't tell if he felt the distance, but neither of us were sleeping. He was sneezing and, finally, at 5:30 in the morning, he got up, said he was allergic to the cat hair and said he was going home. I felt awful.

Diagnosis: For him: I have no idea. I really don't understand how a woman being intimidating by him can break up a relationship. I asked my friends what this "intimidation" really meant. Size? His intense facial expression when not smiling? Again, WTF?
For me: I have to admit I did get distant when we were trying to sleep that night. I figured that's why he left in the middle of the night, so I vowed to not let a chasm like that open up again.

In Retrospect: It took me a while to realize it, but one night a few months later I wondered if, when he said he intimidated women, maybe what he was really saying was that he had a track record of not being able to please women in bed and therefore his relationships ended over it. Up until this point, it was true, I had only been "successful" once and, in the past I had been successful many times--often on the same occasion. The interesting thing was that he made it seem like it was the woman's problem, not his. But you know what they say about common denominators...