Mr. Unavailable #111: Hamptons Getaway, Day 4

See Could it Be?, It's Not Him, It's Me, The Recovery, We're Just Not That Into Each Other, The Continuation, The Curse is Broken, Unfortunately, The Make-Up Date, The Phone Call, The Negotiation, Dates 9 Through 12, Dates 13 Through 15, The Public Sex Talk, Bridging the Chasm, The Shut Down, All Kinds of Good, Meeting the Friends, Part 2, Hamptons Getaway, Day 1, Day 2 and Day 3 for the background on this one.

Day 4: We got up to pack up but things were still weird from the night before. I made coffee and he made breakfast for himself while I got ready. Realizing he had done that but mostly upset about the chasm between us, I went out and sat on the patio, furious. He came out and asked what was wrong (again, suddenly available if I went doubly distant). I said, "How do you think this is going?"

"It depends on what you're about to say next," he said.

I told him I didn't like how he went distant, and that if he did that, I'd go twice as far away. I asked him what his deep silences were all about. He said he was just thinking about me and how I was. I asked him what he meant. He said that I was kind of sloppy--I'd left a coffee ring on the counter and he would never do that in someone else's house--and would have liked it if I'd have offered to help him carry things out the door yesterday. "It was kind of like a comedy situation where I was carrying things out the door," he said. He asked me if I had a hard time doing things for men. He also said he would like it if I offered to pay for more things.

I was shocked but I took it all in. It was kind of a lot, but if I learned anything in therapy it was to admit that anything was possible. I wanted to work on myself and if these things were important, I wanted to work on them. I said that I liked doing things for people but maybe I had just lived alone for so long...I responded as best I could and then asked him to say something nice. He said that this relationship was remarkably stress-free compared to his other relationships and that I always made him feel better when he saw me, which, he said, "was no small thing." Especially, he said, with the summer he'd been having health-wise.

We packed up and drove off, but I still felt unsettled. I began asking him questions in the car, like how his other relationships were stressful and he said that the last woman he dated (for about five months) suddenly seemed to want him to change. She was unhappy with what he was doing with his life, he said. It also came out that he had been in touch with his ex of four and a half years in the spring in order to give a key back. They broke up two years ago, why he still had his ex's key was baffling. By the time we reached the car rental place, I was pretty far gone mentally. I just didn't want to say anything I regretted. Things were somehow not sitting right with me and I wanted to figure it out before I said anything. He asked if I was alright (yes, suddenly he was emotionally available again) and kissed me before I got off the bus.

I got on the subway. I was furious. When the subway stopped and went no further at 86th Street (damned weekend track work), I crouched on the sidewalk on the corner of 86th and Lexington and called Shelagh and ranted for about half an hour. When he was carrying stuff out the door and making breakfast for me, he never even ASKED for help, it's like he expected me to read his mind. When I made dinner for us, I ASKED him for help--he didn't offer otherwise. And, as for paying for things, he always acted like he enjoyed it and usually took the initiative. Don't get me wrong, I paid for things, too (although I admit I let him pay for more), but I didn't want to split things, so either I would just let him pay and thank him or I would pay. I had never gotten the impression it was a problem.

The next morning, I called him. I told him I didn't offer to pay because I didn't want to split things and it would be disingenuous for me to offer if I didn't want to split things--because we were together and I thought it would be odd and strangely not couple-y to be sitting there dividing a bill. I told him that we could work it out where I paid every other time if he wanted to. He said we would figure it out. I also told him that I couldn't read his mind and I didn't know that he wanted help carrying things and if he needs something he should ask for it. "I doubt I was just sitting there watching you carry stuff out the door--I was doing something, too." (Indeed, in general, I was figuring out directions for where we were going each day.) I also said that as far as the "sloppy" thing, I grew up with a mother who would follow you around and if you put something down, two seconds later she would say, "Who put this here? I'm throwing it out." So I told him that I would eventually get to things--I always did--coffee rings and all. I told him if I were having a dinner party I wouldn't want anyone to do the dishes, I'd just do them later or the next day. He said he understood. Oh, I should also mention that the morning I called was my birthday. Happy Birthday to Me.

Red Flags: ...the thing was, and I didn't even realize it at the time, but even though I was the one to bring up that I was unhappy with his behavior, he had just deflected all of the attention away from himself and put it on me. We were no longer talking about my unhappiness with him and what he could do differently but what I could do differently...

Diagnosis: For him:....I'm sort of blind when it comes to manipulation--it's really hard for me to spot, but, as I've been told, in redirecting the conversation toward me and my problems, he's being manipulative and in being manipulative, he's showing me that he doesn't want to look at himself. There is no way his silences are about me, but something much bigger. As for when I said, "How do you think this is going?"... To be fair, I never should have phrased it like that--in terms of our whole relationship--but his answer was oddly defensive. It showed me he isn't going to show me any more than I was going to show him, even if he felt it. When he asked me if I didn't like doing things for men, which completely took me by surprise, it should have shown me where his mind was and I should have asked him, "Do you expect women to do things for you?" Because he seemed to expect me to be able to read his mind and anticipate his needs. What he's really saying is, "Can't you read my mind?" or "Aren't you going to do things for me?"

For me: Again, as for when I said, "How do you think this is going?"...Yes, I never should have phrased it like that, but in my defense, I was upset and I didn't know any better at the time. If I were to do it differently, I probably would have approached it completely differently, and maybe said, "Are you OK? You seem really quiet." Still, I doubt the result would have been any different.

In Retrospect: When he asked me if I didn't like doing things for men, I should have reminded him of how I spent 10+ hours editing his short stories and how we always stayed over at my place, which meant I had to make sure things were extra picked up. I hadn't realized I was supposed to be keeping track.