Mr. Unavailable #111: The Layoff

See Could it Be?, It's Not Him, It's Me, The Recovery, We're Just Not That Into Each Other, The Continuation, The Curse is Broken, Unfortunately, The Make-Up Date, The Phone Call, The Negotiation, Dates 9 Through 12, Dates 13 Through 15, The Public Sex Talk, Bridging the Chasm, The Shut Down, All Kinds of Good, Meeting the Friends, Part 2, Hamptons Getaway, Day 1, Day 2, Day 3, Day 4, Happy Birthday to Me, The Drunken Text and Jeckyl and Hyde for the background on this one.

The Layoff: On Monday after our weekend together, I was non-busy at work. I'd just finished a massive project that had me working 12-hour days and then, toward the end of the day, the CFO called me while I was sitting at my desk and asked if I'd come to the executive creative director's office. I walked in and said, "Uh oh." My position was being eliminated, blah, blah, blah.

I went back to my desk to pack a few things and my first thought was, "What am I going to do?" My second thought was, "Oh no, what's going to happen to my relationship?" I was hesitant to call #111 and tell him. Somewhere in my little brain I was worried about this putting unnecessary pressure on him, on the relationship. I had an instinct not to "worry" him, not to seem to "needy." I wanted to send him some kind of message that I didn't "need" him, like calling him later in the day. I knew it would be weird, though, if I called him later, so I called and left a message. I called some friends and then went to meet Heidi and Amanda downtown for coffee.

He called me back as I was walking to the coffee place. "I'm really busy, but I just wanted to see if you were OK," he said. "I can't come meet you, but do you have someone to hang out with?" It was seriously lame. He checked in on me once or twice over the next day or so and on Wednesday sent me an email telling me he had to cancel all of our future plans except for our date on Thursday. I kept thinking about how Kevin would bring his girlfriend flowers when she had a bad day and here I've just lost my job and #111 is MIA.

I called him at one point and left him a message and made a conscious effort not to sound too down or sad, and I kind of realized that was kind of how I always had to be in the relationship--I had to play the upbeat girlfriend to his grumpy old man. It reminded me of an earlier date when I started to tell him why I didn't like to complain a lot and he said, "Because I take up all the complaining time?"

Diagnosis: I have a sinking feeling in my gut that I I'm trying to ignore, but I'm starting to get the picture. If he isn't sick or headache-y, he's going to be busy. Either way, he's not going to be good at showing up for me. Somewhere along the way, I'd gotten the message that he didn't want someone needy (maybe it was all the talk about "women in their 30s" and how his ex from his four and a half year relationship was an emotionally unavailable workaholic)--and here I am needing him and he is nowhere to be found. But he's my boyfriend, I'm allowed to need him in times of crisis.