Mr. Unavailable #140: Mr. Clueless

Vital Stats: 41, 6’2”, bald, blue eyes, thin without being gaunt. I never quite grasped what he did for a living, but it quickly became clear he wasn’t flush with cash, which, to be clear, is fine, depending on how one works around it. Aesthetic:  NYC casual—you know, the kind of guy who hates shopping but manages to choose decent plaid shirts. Demeanor: Clueless

What Happened: We’d arranged to meet at the Barnes & Noble in Union Square to grab a coffee and walk around, which is not exactly my favorite kind of date (the mobile kind of date), but I was feeling the need to be open-minded. When we met up, I sensed a degree of cluelessness—in the first words he said to me, in the way he carried himself, in his lack of initiative.

We were standing in the B&N foyer with him rambling about where he’d just been and how nice it was outside when I decided to jump in, “So, did you want to grab a coffee?” I asked. Maybe he was just nervous.

“Oh, I thought maybe we could get some snacks at Whole Foods and then sit in the park.”

A slight change of plans, but OK. We walked across Union Square and talked easily, probably because I wasn’t feeling particularly interested. But he was cute and so far seemed worth being interested in. In the snack aisle at Whole Foods, we were trying to choose chips.

“How about these?” I said, picking up some pita chips.

“I’d rather have the whole wheat ones,” he said.

“OK, how about blue tortilla chips, too?” I asked.

“Well, maybe we should get a small bag in case we don’t finish all of them,” he said.

And then in the dip aisle...

“How about this olive hummus?” I asked.

“I’d rather have the plain one,” he said.

I let it all slide. Being finicky doesn’t necessarily have to be a deal-breaker.

When we got to the cash register, the cashier rang everything up. "That’s $23.36," she said. He got out his card and I opened my wallet. It was the moment of truth.

“Oh, can I?...”

“Oh,” he said, looking at my wallet. I had a ten exposed. “If you want to give me a ten that’s fine.”

I handed him the ten. That, however, was a deal-breaker. I started planning my exit strategy.

OK, yes, I could have just not offered him any money, but then I may not have found out he was cheap until date number two. Why prolong things?

Now that I’d helped pay for the food, I wanted to at least have some of it. Out on 14^th street, he said he’d rather go to Washington Square Park than stay in Union Square and eat—it was too crowded, he said. Oh my god, I thought.

Walking toward Washington Square, time dragged. It felt like an hour had gone by. I sneaked a look at my watch. It had only been 25 minutes. When we got to the park, there were a number of stone benches that were available for sitting. “How about there? Or there? Or there?” I said.

“Oh, I really need a bench with a back for back support,” he said. We walked all the way to the other side of the park to find a free bench. With each step, I became more and more aware of the passing time. We found a spot near the hare krishnas—it was either them or the group of homeless addicts—and opened the snacks.

My only plan was to fill the time with talk until I was full. We discussed music and concerts and memories from the 80s. Every minute was interminable. I sneaked more glances at my watch—35 minutes passed, then 45, then 60. At 65 minutes, I’d had enough guacamole and hummus and decided it was time. “Well, I’ve gotta get going,” I said.

“Oh,” he said. I heard a slight sting of rejection. “I guess I’ll stay for a little bit longer.” He stood up with me to say good-bye. We hugged.

“It was nice meeting you,” I said. “Enjoy the rest of your day.”

“You, too,” he said.

Signs of Hope: It’s not like he was repulsive. If he’d been a little more considerate and generous, maybe he would have grown on me.

Red Flags: He wasn’t terribly considerate or generous.

Turning Point: The moment of truth at the cash register. Did he seriously need to take my $10? On a first date? When did so many men stop wanting to make a good first impression?

Diagnosis: For him: I attribute his lack of generosity to cluelessness more than anything else. He made mention of having lived with a girlfriend at one point, so he’s certainly available for some kind of relationship.

For me: Whatever his kind of relationship is, I’m not available for it.