Me and Mr. Unavailable: A Mr. Unavailable Becomes Available

This is a story about a friend of mine—let’s call him Phil. According to most, Phil was a confirmed Mr. Unavailable. I never thought he was the most attractive of men, and he often seemed a little withdrawn, which, of course, makes sense if you're unavailable. But he was successful in business and somehow always managed to get dates. He’d even have short-term girlfriends. I was always surprised to find out that he would be the one to end the brief relationships; after a month or two, he’d say impassively, “Yeah, I ended that…” and then say no more.

I hadn’t seen Phil in about a year. I’d last heard about him six months ago. A mutual friend had told me that he’d broken up with a woman and was upset about it. I figured that was progress. Little did I know, it was much more than that.

I ran into him two weeks ago and what I saw was a changed man. I asked him how he was. There was something easier and more open about him. He was forthcoming and filled me in on the girlfriend. He said they’d broken up six months ago, but that he had only recently processed it. At the suggestion of his shrink, he’d gone to the Karen Foundation and started to work on himself.

“It totally opened up my heart. It broke me wide open. I cry all the time now,” he said, starting to well up. “See, I’m doing it now.”

“You’re totally different,” I said, circling my hand in front of him as if sensing an aura of whole-cloth change.

“Yeah, I’ve been getting a lot of that,” he said.

He’d broken up with the woman as he usual did, he said: he sensed she was going to end it, so, totally numbed out, he beat her to it. But then something happened that had never happened before. He felt horrible and began to really look at why he felt that way. He was able to admit to himself that there was something very wrong with how he’d been operating. He knew he had to change.

He wrote the woman a love letter but got no response. It was obvious he was crushed. “It just means I’m open for the next one,” he said, sounding as though he still hadn’t let go of her.

I described how #111 had acted like I was breaking up with him when he was breaking up with me. Phil said, “Yeah, that’s what I do. He couldn’t do the relationship. He’s unavailable. You were waiting until he opened up. My girlfriend was patiently waiting for me to open up, but I couldn’t do it. Now, I’ve lost her.”

Validation—especially from a Mr. Unavailable expat—is sweet.

As I mentioned, Phil had never been very attractive to me, but, as I talked with him, he became more attractive. It looks like we’ve both made progress.

Diagnosis: Mr. Unavailables can change. If they really want to.