Mr. Unavailable #133: Well Done

See The Telltale Garb, The Sit-Com Setup, The Lukewarm Fuzzies, Little Island... and Coffee=The End? for the background on this one.

The day after our coffee date, I was feeling pretty good about things with #133. He'd done a good job of showing up, making plans and, for the most part, paying, so I figured I’d do something for him. I emailed him and asked him if I could take him to dinner on Saturday.

“That’s so sweet,” he wrote back. “That sounds great.”

Later that night, I was volunteering at a Moth storytelling event and ran into my old friend Heather, who was the host’s assistant. She told me about her own lukewarm relationship—how he canceled all the time and never took her out. The same familiar story. She wondered if he was seeing someone else. She showed me a picture. "I doubt it," I said.

After the show, I was waiting for Heather to come back from behind the stage to find out if I could tag along to the after-party when my phone rang. It was #133—it was the first time he was calling me. Ever. It was exciting. And I was excited to tell him where I was—volunteering at The Moth and maybe about to go to The Moth after-party. I picked up.

“Hi [#133 nickname],” I said cheerily.

“Hey, Tara. Oh, hey, yeah, you call me that.”

He sounded drunk.

“So, I feel really bad. I’m calling because…can you talk now…ok…so…you know how we haven’t had a sexual relationship, well, the reason is because I’m still in love with my ex-girlfriend and I want her back. You’re really great and everything, but I’m still in love with her."

“Were you going to tell me this last night? Is that why you asked me out for coffee?”

“Yeah…"

Great. My gut feeling about the coffee date had been right on.

He continued, "...so that’s why we haven’t had a sexual relationship.”

Heather returned, saw my stunned state and mouthed “What?” I gripped her arm and, looking at her, shook my head slowly.

#133 continued rambling on the other end of the phone.

“We’ve been on and off for four years and now I’m trying to get her back and I think she hates me but I’m in love with her….And the reason I’m calling is that I took my ex-girlfriend out for dinner tonight and, yeah, I’m pretty sure she hates me, but I’m still in love with her. And she knows about you and she doesn’t believe me that we didn’t have a sexual relationship. She thinks that because I stayed over, we must have had sex. So, she’s here and I’m trying to tell her that we never had sex.”

“Wait, she’s there?”

“Yeah, she’s here.”

I heard a voice in the background.

“She’s there right now?” I asked, enunciating every word.

“Yes, she’s here now and she said that the only way for me to prove to her that we didn’t have sex was to call you and ask you.”

I started shaking and now had a death grip on Heather’s arm.

There was only one thing left to say, so I said it. “I wish you the best of luck…and I don’t ever want to hear from you again.”

He made some sounds of confusion, as if wondering, "Why would she never want to hear from me again?"

“Good-bye,” I said and hung up. And then Heather and I went to the after-party.

Signs of Hope: I have to really reach on this one. How’s this: He said yes to my proposed dinner date?

Red Flags:
The interaction was fucked up on so many different levels, let’s create a numbered list:
1. They were broken up…it’s none of his ex-girlfriend’s business if we slept together…or if we didn’t sleep together…or if we had cuddle parties or even full-scale orgies.
2. He took her out for dinner…but, the night before that, he was reluctant to even buy me coffee.
3. They’ve been breaking up and getting back together for four years.
4. His ex-girlfriend said he should call me to prove we didn’t sleep together.
5. He actually called me.
6. When he called me, his ex-girlfriend was there.
7. He was surprised when I said I never wanted to hear from him again.
8. Looks like our Saturday-night date is off. Thank God—because I was buying.

Turning Point: When I hung up. I was done. Well done.

Diagnosis: For him: As Eva said after I told her the story: “He’s not in love with his ex, he’s in love with the drama. He doesn’t know what love is, because that’s not love.” He’s officially unavailable.
For me: I feel sick. As my new shrink said, “There’s a pattern with all these guys. It may not be obvious, but somehow, they all have something in common. You’ll find it if you really look for it.” The thought of finding it makes me feel even sicker.