Mr. Unavailable #126: The Translation

See The Imprinter, Business or Pleasure?, Spellbound, No Picnic in the Park, Squatter Love, Who Falls First?, Trouble, Purgatory, Pre-Disintegration, Sanity Takes a Turn, In Heat, Fireworks, Part 1, Fireworks, Part 2, Don't Tell Mama, Mr. Leaky, A Game of Text, Friends, Zero Benefits and Emotional Chicken for the background on this one.

Here’s what was really said:

Me: So, I’ve been processing. This whole thing with the apartment is really not cool…. I don’t buy this whole thing that only after talking to Mike did you realize that you could get that much money for it.
TRANSLATION: You liked me and we could have had a fun summer, but you fucked it up by freaking out when I didn't like that you'd be sleeping around. You're so afraid of commitment you can't even say you'll only sleep with one person--unless you're in a city where there aren't that many women to sleep with. And now you don't want me in your apartment because you feel like you fucked everything up.

#126: I made a bad deal. It was stupid. I made a mistake. I’m a vet and I make $20 an hour in New Mexico. I have low self-esteem. I always undercut myself.
TRANSLATION: You’re right. But I can’t tell you any of that because I’ve got a lot invested in this commitment-free free-spirit thing I’ve got going, so I’m sticking with the “I’m dumb” defense.

Me: I don’t buy this whole, "I’m an idiot" thing. I don’t think you’re that dumb.
TRANSLATION: Just admit that this whole thing has gotten to you and you know you totally fucked up. You went to the second best vet school in the nation. You knew what you were doing and now you regret everything! Say it!

#126: You don’t have to, but that’s what it is.
TRANSLATION: I will never admit it. I’d rather tell you I bribed my way into vet school than admit I have a brain.

Me: I don’t trust you. I don’t respect you. So I can’t be friends with you.
TRANSLATION: You’re an asshole.

#126: He nodded.
TRANSLATION: Yes, I am.

Me: We had a verbal contract. That would hold up.
TRANSLATION: You sooo know you’ve done wrong here on so many levels, so I’m going to make you sweat.

#126: I’m not that dumb, I just made a bad deal. I’m not perfect. You know, some are sicker than others.
TRANSLATION: I was already sweating. That’s why I was rummaging around in your bag. The “he’s dumb” defense worked for George W. Bush for eight years, so I’m sticking with it.

Me: I probably shouldn’t say this, but I feel sorry for you. You’re 45 years old and you’re using that as an excuse. That’s pretty sad.
TRANSLATION: Did I mention you’re an asshole?

#126: But it’s better than having you in there and me feeling like I’d done a dumb thing.
TRANSLATION: At least you found out I’m an asshole sooner rather than later.

Me: Yeah, I’m glad I found out now rather than three months down the line. Now you get $2,000 a month. Congratulations. I hope whoever goes in there doesn’t screw you over.
TRANSLATION: I hope whoever goes in there screws you over.

#126: Yeah, me, too.
TRANSLATION: Shit, they could.

Me: You’re not a man of your word.
TRANSLATION: You know how in astrology there are triple Leos? Well, on the planet earth, you’re a triple asshole.

#126: Well, I’m sorry you feel that way.
TRANSLATION: I am. But that’s just who I am. And did you notice I never said I was sorry about any of this?

Me: I know that we’ll probably run into each other over the next month, so I wish you the best.
TRANSLATION: Every time you see me, you’re going to regret you ever even considered moving back to New York.

#126: Well, sweetie. Have a good day…. Best wishes and good luck to you.
TRANSLATION: Damn, I screwed the wrong chick. I gotta get out of here.

Me: Good luck with everything.
TRANSLATION: “Fuck you.”