We start to take radical measures, hiring expensive matchmakers; joining dating sites like “It’s Just Lunch,” “Crazy Blind Date” and “Date a Cougar” (when we’re still in our 30s); going speed dating; asking all of our friends if they have friends they could set us up with; being set up with the aforementioned friends of friends and feeling vaguely insulted upon meeting them, but, if we’re lucky, getting a dinner out of it; taking suggestions from our therapists to become more aware of whether or not we’re sexually attracted to certain men; becoming more aware of being sexually attracted to certain men; taking a break from serious dating to sleep with the 25-year-old men we’re aware of being sexually attracted to; and then, finally, after all of that and still finding ourselves single, we resort to psychics.
A few weeks ago, I pulled a bunch of stuff out of storage and found a tape from a psychic reading I had when I was 21 in Santa Cruz, California. I popped it in my old SONY Sports cassette player and had a listen. I'd always remembered some things she'd said...that I'd end up in New York...that I'd be writing books...but I'd forgotten a lot of what she had said, too. In particular, this:
"I see you getting married late," she said.
I turned up the tape player. So far, she was right.
"I see you not getting married until you're maybe..."
Oh, yes, I was listening.
"...until you're maybe 32."
I laughed out loud. Usually I'm a stickler for deadlines but I missed that one by six years and counting.
It was time for a refresher reading. And, because I have an inability to let go, I also wanted to know if I should bother giving any of the previous Mr. Unavailables a second look. My cougar friend’s roommate mentioned a psychic in California that had predicted she’d get back together with her ex-boyfriend. And it had happened.
I arranged a Thursday afternoon phone appointment. When she called, she sounded much more girlfriend-like than I had expected. We were actually giggling. Then she got down to business.
“What would you like to know?” she asked.
“Well”—I suddenly felt silly—"I want to know when I’m going to find 'the one.'"
“You haven’t met your penguin yet,” she said.
I arranged a Thursday afternoon phone appointment. When she called, she sounded much more girlfriend-like than I had expected. We were actually giggling. Then she got down to business.
“What would you like to know?” she asked.
“Well”—I suddenly felt silly—"I want to know when I’m going to find 'the one.'"
“You haven’t met your penguin yet,” she said.
Her name for “the one,” is your “penguin.” I hadn’t been a big fan of that penguin movie, but I did remember something about how they mate for life, so I went with it.
“But you have met one of your more significant others—a soul mate," she continued. "Although it ended a few years ago, you never ‘finished’ that relationship. The effect of that relationship poisoned your well.”
I knew of whom she spoke. I had glossed over him—in here and in my life. It was #88. After he broke up with me, it’s not an exaggeration to say that I was destroyed. For almost a year, I walked around as a sad shell of myself. Finally, I became sick of my sorry self, so I stopped. But I’d never finished healing.
“You have an internal battle. You want your [one] but part of you doesn’t believe he exists, so you pull in either nothing or half…people. They’re great on paper but really immature.”
I thought of #120 and #111 and on and on down the line.
“It doesn’t feel like you’ve resolved it and it has shaped your view of relationships.”
She said a lot of good stuff, so I’m going to let her talk for a minute:
“You need to recognize that what happened was that he wasn’t ready, it was too much for him. It scared him and he was not emotionally developed enough to handle it. His big terror was that he would disappoint you and that you would leave, so he left while the going was good so that he wouldn’t have to feel worse about himself. He just ran. If you had not had as strong a connection, then he would have stuck around.”
Ouch.
I knew of whom she spoke. I had glossed over him—in here and in my life. It was #88. After he broke up with me, it’s not an exaggeration to say that I was destroyed. For almost a year, I walked around as a sad shell of myself. Finally, I became sick of my sorry self, so I stopped. But I’d never finished healing.
“You have an internal battle. You want your [one] but part of you doesn’t believe he exists, so you pull in either nothing or half…people. They’re great on paper but really immature.”
I thought of #120 and #111 and on and on down the line.
“It doesn’t feel like you’ve resolved it and it has shaped your view of relationships.”
She said a lot of good stuff, so I’m going to let her talk for a minute:
“You need to recognize that what happened was that he wasn’t ready, it was too much for him. It scared him and he was not emotionally developed enough to handle it. His big terror was that he would disappoint you and that you would leave, so he left while the going was good so that he wouldn’t have to feel worse about himself. He just ran. If you had not had as strong a connection, then he would have stuck around.”
Ouch.
She continued:
“You are very deeply emotional, but you process things intellectually over and above all the heart stuff. Your head knew what happened but your heart closed down and went along with your head. Your heart needs closure. There were signs he was going to leave. It felt like you got blindsided—that’s a very powerless feeling. You need to tell your heart that you saw signs. Because as long as you feel powerless, you will want to keep safe.”
I don’t remember at which point I started to cry. Everything she was saying felt true. It was what everyone had told me—friends, my therapist, really nice strangers—but only now was I able to believe it...coming from a psychic...six years after the fact.
I needed, she said, to mentally get back into the relationship and chronologically go through it and see the signs and not excuse them now like I did then.
“Find the places where your heart is stuck. Your heart needs to connect to it. You need to re-break your heart. It will feel like knots are being released.”
Re-break my heart. Fun.
“You are very deeply emotional, but you process things intellectually over and above all the heart stuff. Your head knew what happened but your heart closed down and went along with your head. Your heart needs closure. There were signs he was going to leave. It felt like you got blindsided—that’s a very powerless feeling. You need to tell your heart that you saw signs. Because as long as you feel powerless, you will want to keep safe.”
I don’t remember at which point I started to cry. Everything she was saying felt true. It was what everyone had told me—friends, my therapist, really nice strangers—but only now was I able to believe it...coming from a psychic...six years after the fact.
I needed, she said, to mentally get back into the relationship and chronologically go through it and see the signs and not excuse them now like I did then.
“Find the places where your heart is stuck. Your heart needs to connect to it. You need to re-break your heart. It will feel like knots are being released.”
Re-break my heart. Fun.
After I got off the phone, I cried. And when Elaine came over that night, I cried. And when I told Nora the next day, I cried. And, a few days later, when I told Elaine more details of how horrible the days before he ended it were, I really cried.
“That was some awesome channeling you just did,” she said. “I think you’re just supposed to feel it. To let yourself feel it and move through it and heal.”
I’m not sure if I’m just a fast healer, but in less than two weeks, I felt freed. What the psychic said made a lot of sense. My head knew what had happened but my heart never did. I think now it does.
Diagnosis: For him: As I said before but now actually believe, he was a runner. His reality now: I heard in November that he was married with a kid and living somewhere in the Midwest. Even when I heard it, it stung. After the reading, I Googled him. He’s not on Facebook. He doesn’t have any photos. But I did find someone of his name and age in Ames, Iowa.
For me: I no longer feel a need to Google him on Facebook. And I truly wish him a wonderful life. The reading had a quick effect. Even right afterward, I was carrying myself differently. It was because I had an answer. And it felt like the right answer. I had something I could fix so that maybe I’d stop picking half people and finally pick someone whole.
Epilogue: In the last few minutes of the reading, she finally did get around to giving me a few details about “the one.” But not before saying that before he came along, I’d have a six to eight month relationship and end it because it lacked passion (and we know how I prefer being the dumper, so, yay). She said my “one” was a year and a half to two years away.
“What I like about him..." she said, "...and I know you’re going to groan at this, but he is very outdoorsy.”
I groaned.
“I know,” she said. “You, by your nature, do not do outdoorsy stuff, but he brings that out in you.”
She also said he had a practical side and was good at taking care of bills and stuff. That sounded more like it.
“That was some awesome channeling you just did,” she said. “I think you’re just supposed to feel it. To let yourself feel it and move through it and heal.”
I’m not sure if I’m just a fast healer, but in less than two weeks, I felt freed. What the psychic said made a lot of sense. My head knew what had happened but my heart never did. I think now it does.
Diagnosis: For him: As I said before but now actually believe, he was a runner. His reality now: I heard in November that he was married with a kid and living somewhere in the Midwest. Even when I heard it, it stung. After the reading, I Googled him. He’s not on Facebook. He doesn’t have any photos. But I did find someone of his name and age in Ames, Iowa.
For me: I no longer feel a need to Google him on Facebook. And I truly wish him a wonderful life. The reading had a quick effect. Even right afterward, I was carrying myself differently. It was because I had an answer. And it felt like the right answer. I had something I could fix so that maybe I’d stop picking half people and finally pick someone whole.
Epilogue: In the last few minutes of the reading, she finally did get around to giving me a few details about “the one.” But not before saying that before he came along, I’d have a six to eight month relationship and end it because it lacked passion (and we know how I prefer being the dumper, so, yay). She said my “one” was a year and a half to two years away.
“What I like about him..." she said, "...and I know you’re going to groan at this, but he is very outdoorsy.”
I groaned.
“I know,” she said. “You, by your nature, do not do outdoorsy stuff, but he brings that out in you.”
She also said he had a practical side and was good at taking care of bills and stuff. That sounded more like it.
She's wrong about the penguins. They stay together long enough to lay an egg and raise a chick, then that's it.
ReplyDeleteNext season, they're back to square one: a bunch of females fighting over males. I saw the movie.